the definitive oat milk ranking
oat milk, oat milk on the wall
who's the oatiest of them all?
it all started when hana decided they were done pooping their pants after a mere modicum of cow milk, riddled with lactose which wreaked unadulterated havoc on their digestive tract from start to end and especially the end. nothing has changed, of course, since oat milk still makes them bloat (purely out of practice), but there's no going back because animal milk tastes too meaty and seems to spoil much too fast somehow. every time.
| ranking | drink | description | score (x/10) |
|---|---|---|---|
| S | OATLY Barista Edition | best of the best oat milk–rumoured to be better than cow milk. loses points for bloating effect when consumed in large quantities which i am deathly prone to because i have an addiction HELP HELP HELP HELP | 9.7 |
| Planet Oat Barista Lovers | pretty good, wouldn't call it a compromise; almost OATLY Barista Edition for about 1 usd less per volume | 9.5 | |
| OATLY Full Fat | like slightly watered down OATLY Barista Edition–so probably healthier idk. still tasty and probably recommended to oatmilk noobs who aren't too keen on the distinctly oatly-earthy taste of higher concentrations or dosages of oat | 9.0 | |
| Planet Oat Extra Creamy | most affordable oatmilk volume per dollar without tasting too watered down. i recommend grabbing the gallon jug which doubles as a sturdy chemical waste container | 9.0 | |
| A | Califia Barista’s Choice | certainly oatmilk. particularly memorable though. i hear they use this oat milk at Granola's Coffee House in Half Moon Bay. | 8.9 |
| OATLY Chocolate Oat Milk | would rank higher if this was a “chocolate oat milk” tierlist, but it isn’t. really damn good though! it is more "chocolate oat" than it is "chocolate milk" or "chocolate oat milk". | 8.8 | |
| OATLY Oatmilk Half & Half | not excellent if looking for oat milk’s oaty flavor hence the relatively low rating. certainly not lacking in taste though; get all the benefits of drinking half & half without suffering the consequences of dairy/lactose. it is rumored by hana to have been consumed in one sitting with no bloating consequences so that this information as you may. | 8.6 | |
| OATLY The Original | my personal gateway oatmilk. not as concentrated as the barista edition, but certainly not something to mess around with as a mere splash might entice you for another... and another... and another... a classic. perhaps the most standardized oat milk there is. | 8.5 | |
| B | Chobani Extra Creamy | from this point on, oatmilk begins to tread the thin line of watery and oaty. not awful, but it’s almost the skim milk of oat milk. almost. you can tell they tried because they have more than three ingredients. | 7.8 |
| Califia Oatmilk | drinkable. i could get through a cup or two, but not with the greatest of excitement. decent for mixing and to look at. califia has a thing for giving their jugs the most bodacious silhouettes. | 7.6 | |
| Willa's x Raaka OAT M!LK Dark Chocolate | it is not excellent but it was finished. it's more "Willa's x Raaka" than it is "OAT M!LK Dark Chocolate", though. be warned. there, you were warned. | 7.1 | |
| C | Open Nature EXTRA CREAMY | if this is the extra creamy version that open nature has to offer (when trying new brands, we go straight for the creamiest version… just in case. as a veteran oat milk consumer, my oat detection threshold is much higher, so the standard unconcentrated oat milk simply never quite satisfies.) then we never want to have the regular :( sorry open nature… well actually their products then to boast being healthy which we don’t really care for anyways so there’s that i guess but if that wasn't telling, then i don't know what else would have been lol | 6.4 |
| OATLY Sweet & Creamy Oatmilk Creamer | would probably function excellently added to something bitter like coffee as a creamer is meant to be employed, but consumed on its own in the same fashion that oatmilk is? unless you want a REALLY sweet drink, i’d advise against it. even over ice it was quite strong. | 6.3 | |
| MINOR FIGURES BARISTA OAT | that duck mascot on the box has haunted me for millenia, so of course we had to try it. the verdict? not worth it, at least straight up. i've been to one cafe they primarily used MINOR FIGURES and the latte was fire. just never raw dog this, i guess. it just goes to show that pretty of aesthetic packaging will not always reflect the integrity of the product, which is why i will always hate on simps. | 6.0 | |
| F | MOOALA organic simple oat milk | this drink is made out of three ingredients. i hate to break it to the all-natural-believers, but if you want an OAT DRINK, you’re going to need all that junk in there to make it taste right. i have experienced less tragic school plays in my life that whatever depressing concoction emerged from this carton, i fear. mooala successeding in checking off none of the boxes for what constitutes a decent oat milk--let alone a mere foundation for what could be: creamy, whitening, earthy, tasting like at least water or better, and not being salty. WHY was it salty? the one taste i can compare this abomination to is salty or metallic phlegm that comes out of someone with a recurring respiratory infection. we unfortunately donated three-quarters of the entire jug to some planter at a gas station. | 1.2 |